Pick It

I use the finger mouse to pick people's noses who piss me off. YOu dirty girl...booger bitch...lol. How adolescent is that? Beats guns

Not Playing Around

"For now" incinuates a compromise does it not? Let's be friends. Okay...I like making friends...I have made enough. I want a wife. Although I'm not lying about enjoying the friendship, which is extremely important, she has to know that is not exactly what I am after. I want a lover and a friend. I want somebody to rub my back, and to rub hers too. My time is not wasted on this person, but if I don't keep looking around I will kick myself later. Tara is very nice, so is Renee, so is Justine and so is Jacque. They are all very nice but would they want to know that I was seeing them all at once? I doubt it. That is why I am not doing it yet. When I do decide to move forward I am not telling anyone about it. It's really nobody's business if I'm not boinkin' any of them. Of course once that starts I have to drop the others. I want to find the right one, and while all of them are pretty, smart and sweet I can't keep up with two, three or four (oi) at a time. I can do two, but three starts to get confusing. I want to play around, for the one I am really interested in is not ready or she is only being nice because she is nice. I want more. Why should I be alone on a Friday night? This is the last one. I tried to make her think that I was mean becasue she will not respond to me when her ex is around. So I will just play it cool for another week and see what happens, but I'll be damned if I spend next Friday without a woman. This isn't fair anymore. There's no reason for it. Here we go with the games? No. I'm done playing. It's so very easy to slip away into obscurity, or to actually induce her rejection. I tried to scare her off once and she called me anyway, so there is something inside her that made her want to be with me...even after I made up a big line of bullshit about wanting to date her sister. I reduced my partying to a rare activity so as to attract a good woman and to just feel good about life. Well, if she just wants a friend, that's easy. We don't expect half as much from our friends as we do from our signifigant others. Is she going to come around? How long am I willing to wait? One more week. After that I will just get busy with somebody else. I don't want to lose the friendship, but she isn't expecting me to put my life on hold for something that she is not even close to being sure about. It's a confusing deal, because she knows that I didn't ask her out because I wanted to take on responsibilities. I want a wife..again...I keep saying this...so if she's not it I have to find out fast. I may be missing out on the one who is meant for me if she is not. I do want her, but I don't think she wants me all that much. She has said so, but then it changes...hot, cold...lukewarm...seperation. I don't like this waiting game and perhaps I do not need to even try to be the man for her. Maybe nobody does. But I know what I want, and the clock is ticking. I have little patience for adults. I don't have to deal with any one in particular if I choose not to. I'm going to just tell it like it is...I think she is not all that interested in me, but is very good at making me think I am somebody special to her. Nobody wants to hear this shit so I'm sort of talking to myself. At this point it would be easier just to simply fold my hand and try a new deal. But the easy way is not the best way. I really don't know what to do, but if she was interested she would have called me by now. Why should I pretend anymore? Looks like another fade away...I'm seldom wrong about this.

Friendly

It may go unnoticed in life, but if you can make twenty friends and one lover or one friend and twenty lovers, what is worth more? We need to help eachother, and I don't think I'm helping a lot by shoving my dick into women. Well for the moment it's all good, but what about the rest? I'm glad to have been fortunate enough to have gained the trust of an honorable woman. To the REAL GOD i give thanks. It is not easy, but it's a lot better than losing it entirely. I have so much to teach and learn...I'm very exuberated....howz Zat? Q? naw, you don't know this is here. It's just good, this innocent affection...it's cute...I feel a little coy....goosebumps

Push

I want to drive it home...get moving...onto the next...waiting for her is what I want but it's not easy. I am lonely and can only yearn for her nails on my back. I only imagine the feeling now, and it is starting to wane. I want to feel real thing. I want her in my arms. And if somebody gets in my way I'll just kill him with kindness....works all the time. Just being nice wins a lot of wars, because you never enter into battle. You win without fighting at all. The fight is rendered useless. I hope you are not spying on me U Know who...I'll get you for this! Whatever...chew on it...and spit.

Self Serving Comments

After my DUI in 94 my exgirlfriend, Ruthie, picked me up at the courthouse and gave me a ride to my home. We had been split up for a year or so and I was over her, but I think she wasn't over me. After having gotten engaged to a wimpy man who was not greatly endowed with common sense...amoung other things too I'll guess, she actually said, "I wish we hadn't split. This guy is useless." But by then she was committed and I was happy to have my heart back in one piece again. After Danielle left nothing but calamity has followed her. Arrests, hospital visits, beatings, robberies and god only knows what else. She has suffered greatly. Why? Life was not so bad unless I'm being selectively forgetful. She was loved and provided for. She had a purpose taking care of her family and she had time for herself as well. I guess there is something out there beckoning with the promise of fun and late night shenanigans. I heard the call when I was younger and when I sought the source out I found nothing but a voice calling me further and further away from the sanctuary of righteous living. I turned back and am here today wondering why others don't do the same. What is out there? A chance trip to the bar once in a while is okay, but really, if you don't get bored there after an hour or so, something is either wrong within you or you are having an exceptional evening. Poeople can and do change back to the good persons we all can be. I've done it, but it's a hard, hard sales pitch to convey. Many people just don't believe it's possible. I was never that far gone anyway. So here I am spending a great deal of time with minimal adult contact. I write and write because there's nobody to talk to and I really don't think if there was somebody here I would be talking about this anyway. It's too heavy for casual conversation. If I could simplify just how much my mind gathers and stores it would be so much easier. But I can't. Without the backlash of last night I wake up to a racing mind. It's not anxiety, but a zest for life that staying around the house with kids doesn't fullfill completely. I could go out, but don't want to. I had somebody I wanted to go out with. Now she's done and I just don't feel like much of anything except a good father. Whoopie! Yay! Kudos for the "Monk/Dad"...one of these days I will be set free....in another four years or so. Then I'll just resurface to clean up the boys' messes. (smashed cars and what not) Davey the dog woke me up this morning at seven o'clock so he could pee. It was much nice two Sundays ago when she was sleeping next to me, but all I can do is take that good morning memory and hold it dear. Does she even have a clue just how much I would have done for her and with her? It makes me wonder if this woman truly wants a real man who is an open book to her. Maybe keeping her guessing would have been a better approach. I just hope I don't get this same story again..."I met a guy after we stopped seeing eachother....turns out he was this and that....Oh it was terrible. I wish we had stayed together. You were so much better than he."
They either run to me or away from me...right now it's in the "away" phase. I hope this one has a bit more perception than the others did. She is special....in a good deal of ways. Here comes Trevor...all bright eyed and bushy tailed! Good morning....

Flawed

Man I just fucked up a good deal, and I don't know why. Is there a subconsious part of a man that drives away women that he wants to be with? What a mess I made of this last opportunity. And after all of the changes I've made I thought they were going to pay off exponentially with this woman in mind. On to the next opportunity, I guess. But I really had the feelings again. At least I know I can still have them...there were doubts. At least there were no drunken things or cheatings...or anything of significance...wait a minute! This isn't over yet. She's playing games with me. Yeah...that's it...it has to be...unless she's just heartless and a good actor. I found out that my gear compared to others is turbo charged. You poor sappy sloppy underpants boys. Bad form! If it's weak don't make it leak! At least clean it up. "OOPS! I did it again!"???? Only I know what I'm talking about here. I have to laugh at the conversation and the giggles we drew from some poor man's malfunction. I'd do it all over again if I could be with her....then and now and again. But I'm just here with a beer and a dog listening to Art Bell. Somebody's yelling "Get a life" right now I'm sure. A moment of silence please for yet another murdered relationship.

qUIET! JA YA!

A Little Hideaway

It's not logical to put anything here and not expect a resonse....negative they may ne at times, but I have to expect that. I really don't feel angry when I start to looking like I'm pissed off. It's just a typing game to me. I good deal of the things I felt a year ago are no longer true. So that makes me a liar. And it makes what was the truth then not so true now. Just wanted to clear that up. The past is supposed to be learned from not rehashed or relived...no matter how good...or bad. I say "Leave it there...where it belongs." This is an open line to somebody who is very alive and opinionated. Maybe radio would be a better medium for me...at least then I could respond immediately. I hide...because I like it. It is safe and clean and free of all your bugs!