Self Serving Comments

After my DUI in 94 my exgirlfriend, Ruthie, picked me up at the courthouse and gave me a ride to my home. We had been split up for a year or so and I was over her, but I think she wasn't over me. After having gotten engaged to a wimpy man who was not greatly endowed with common sense...amoung other things too I'll guess, she actually said, "I wish we hadn't split. This guy is useless." But by then she was committed and I was happy to have my heart back in one piece again. After Danielle left nothing but calamity has followed her. Arrests, hospital visits, beatings, robberies and god only knows what else. She has suffered greatly. Why? Life was not so bad unless I'm being selectively forgetful. She was loved and provided for. She had a purpose taking care of her family and she had time for herself as well. I guess there is something out there beckoning with the promise of fun and late night shenanigans. I heard the call when I was younger and when I sought the source out I found nothing but a voice calling me further and further away from the sanctuary of righteous living. I turned back and am here today wondering why others don't do the same. What is out there? A chance trip to the bar once in a while is okay, but really, if you don't get bored there after an hour or so, something is either wrong within you or you are having an exceptional evening. Poeople can and do change back to the good persons we all can be. I've done it, but it's a hard, hard sales pitch to convey. Many people just don't believe it's possible. I was never that far gone anyway. So here I am spending a great deal of time with minimal adult contact. I write and write because there's nobody to talk to and I really don't think if there was somebody here I would be talking about this anyway. It's too heavy for casual conversation. If I could simplify just how much my mind gathers and stores it would be so much easier. But I can't. Without the backlash of last night I wake up to a racing mind. It's not anxiety, but a zest for life that staying around the house with kids doesn't fullfill completely. I could go out, but don't want to. I had somebody I wanted to go out with. Now she's done and I just don't feel like much of anything except a good father. Whoopie! Yay! Kudos for the "Monk/Dad"...one of these days I will be set free....in another four years or so. Then I'll just resurface to clean up the boys' messes. (smashed cars and what not) Davey the dog woke me up this morning at seven o'clock so he could pee. It was much nice two Sundays ago when she was sleeping next to me, but all I can do is take that good morning memory and hold it dear. Does she even have a clue just how much I would have done for her and with her? It makes me wonder if this woman truly wants a real man who is an open book to her. Maybe keeping her guessing would have been a better approach. I just hope I don't get this same story again..."I met a guy after we stopped seeing eachother....turns out he was this and that....Oh it was terrible. I wish we had stayed together. You were so much better than he."
They either run to me or away from me...right now it's in the "away" phase. I hope this one has a bit more perception than the others did. She is special....in a good deal of ways. Here comes Trevor...all bright eyed and bushy tailed! Good morning....